Life, living and the meaning of it all…

I don’t know what you believe, but I tend to believe you only get one shot at life. What’s beyond our lives here on earth has been debated and fought over for centuries. No one really knows. With so many religions all over the world and so many of them willing to fight and eliminate those who don’t believe the same way they believe, how can any of them possibly be right? If you’re looking at the big picture, a global picture, how do you take any of it seriously?

We hope there’s more to all this in the end; some profess there is and they make a living at it on television and in the churches, some truly believe in it and allow their beliefs to guide and to some degree take over their lives, and then there are some simply deny it or don‘t believe in religion at all. I guess I’m stuck out in left field somewhere; one of those who for now simply hopes that there’s more to all this.

There's only been one instance where I’ve felt certain about the after life and it was something I can't explain. It wasn't long after my mother in law passed away from cancer. My wife wasn’t home at the time. It was morning and I was laying face down on the bed, arms around my pillow which is the way I like to sleep.  I was awake and I felt the corner of the bed by my feet sag as if someone sat down. What’s odd is I tried to move to look around and see who was there, but I couldn’t.

I tried moving my head to see and I tried turning over and getting up, but I was for lack of a better word, paralyzed. I could lift my head up off the bed, but I couldn’t turn it. I sensed that it was my wife’s mother sitting at the edge of the bed. There were no voices and nothing other than the feeling of the bed sagging as if someone sat down and the feeling of another person sitting there with me.

I can’t prove any of this and I have explanation as to how or why it happened. All I know is that everything inside of me tells me that it was my mother in law and she came to pay me a visit. What does it mean? I have no idea.

The only thing I can think of is the night she passed away in the hospital, I stepped into the room to say goodbye to her and I remember looking her in the eye and promising her that I’d take care of her daughter. Maybe she came to check on me, maybe she came to say thank you, maybe it was more like ‘Hey, I’m watching you’, I don’t know... but I do know that I’m confident it happened and I didn’t dream it.
That’s one thing that makes me think there might be something more to all this life after death stuff. For the time being however, I really enjoy life and living, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Around the age of 30 I think I started to become a little more self aware and I started trying to live by the golden rule, which meant treating those around me the way I’d like to be treated. Sometimes its easier said than done, but if there’s any guiding principle in life, I believe that’s probably a good one.

An acquaintance told me once that I was going to hell because I hadn’t pledged my life to his church. This person wasn’t exactly the nicest person I’ve ever met. He has actually said some absolutely terrible things to people who didn‘t act or respond they way he wanted them to, so I had to take his theory with a grain of salt. I’ll gamble on my own theory of trying to treat people right. If pledging yourself to a church gets you in heaven, but along the way you can treat people like crap before you get there, then what‘s heaven going to be like?

Maybe I didn’t always know what I believed and maybe I didn’t always appreciate what life was about, but at this point, I know that it is fleeting. I know, to put it simply, that just like a bug on the sidewalk it can be cruelly taken away at anytime.

Not to be dramatic and certainly not to create sympathy, but I’ll share with you that I’ve experienced two near misses with death and made it through both of them. (I’ll write more about them one of these days)  Maybe you're heard when people die they lose all control of their bodily functions and some of them see a bright white light?  Well, it all happened to me, however I can't say it was a white light.  Things didn't go dark, like when you close your eyes to sleep, they went white and I then I went down.  I don't know what all that means, but I think of myself as fortunate not only because I’m still here, but because those experiences changed me. They changed my outlook, mostly for the better, but depending on your perspective, you might also say some for the worse.

When I say worse, I mean I’m more apt to say the hell with it and do or say something that some might view as reckless or too blunt which I may not have said or done before. I’m less likely to keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. That can have it’s good and bad points. I don't think I'm mean or anything like that, I'm just honest.  Some people are so timid or politically correct they have a hard time with it.

My thing is, I believe I only have so much time and I want to make the best of it and not have any regrets. There have been times when I’ve been told I should slow down or rest and my response has been, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. Probably a foolish way to think, but I’m not going to give up ‘living’ just because I’m getting older. Yes, I can be stubborn.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t eliminate every bad habit, every negative thought, every inconsiderate thing you might say or do, but you can make an effort. Like I said, I try.

I believe that no matter how old you are, no matter where you are in life, you should live life the way you want to live it. There’s a balancing act when living your life however. Some fools take this thought to the extreme and hurt people along the way, whether criminally, financially or emotionally as they live their life. They are selfish and take advantage of people; taking and taking and never giving back. Obviously that’s not where I was heading with that thought.

If it’s your dream to travel the world, then do the things you need to do to lead to that outcome. If it’s your dream to build a family in the suburbs then you need to do the things that will lead to that outcome. If your dream is as simple as taking your family to Disneyworld, then do the things that will lead to that outcome. I believe we are in control of our outcomes. Every decision we make has an outcome. Nobody is going to hand it to you and it may not be easy, but in the same respect, the only person that can ever really stop you from achieving something is yourself.

Everyone has a different level of achievement that makes them happy and a different level of what they can be satisfied with in life and some of those achievements involve decisions that are difficult. Some people can’t bring themselves to step over the edge and actually do what they say they‘ve always wanted to do. They don’t take action.

While I haven’t achieved fame or fortune, I’ve achieved a great many of my younger dreams and desires. Along the way there were difficult decisions I made. Not everyone would make the same decisions. I’ve left a very good paying job, I’ve moved away from friends and family (knowing I’m hurting them and myself in the process) and I’ve sold everything I owned in my process of starting over.

Sometimes I feel selfish for some of my decisions. Sometimes I look back and think about what I gave up, but I pursued the life I wanted and for the most part and I‘m happy with life. It probably went against what my parents wanted or thought was best, against what my kids may have wanted and against what friends may have felt was right and to this day I’ll tell you that leaving and pursuing the life I wanted is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I miss my parents and the others I left behind...

Thinking about it now is difficult and it still hurts today, but since I was a child, I grew up saying I wanted to live in a warmer climate; a place where it was summer all year round. I also wanted to travel. I was serious. One day I saw an opportunity and I stepped through that door. That was about 12 years ago. I’ve traveled and experienced a lot since that day and I’ve met a lot of people along the way. There’s more that I want to accomplish; places I want to go, things I’ve yet to experience and people I’ve yet to meet.  I look forward to it all.

Funny, I feel like I’m rambling... Maybe I’m just writing this to try and justify past decisions to myself, or maybe I’ve offered some level of encouragement or insight to those who might have dreams of their own. Or maybe I‘m just being too introspective after listening to music on YouTube? In any event, this is what was on my mind today so thanks for listening. Now go live your life… I’m definitely going to. I’ll be at the beach this weekend and I will fill you in on it next week!!!  :  )

Dream life...

I don’t understand why I can remember a dream when I first wake up in the morning and by later in the day that same memory is gone. When I was a teenager I kept a diary of my dreams. It was always cool to go back and read about them or see how many times I would have the same dream over and over. That always puzzled me; how we can dream the same exact dream more than once.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve wondered if I could direct my own dreams. I’ve wondered if I could create another life at night when I was sleeping. How cool would that be? I might actually look forward to going to bed at night instead of staying up watching comedy reruns on television until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.

What if we could lead two separate lives within our life through our dreams? I’m not saying have another spouse and family in your dream life, although I’m sure there are some who would. What I had in mind was more like, what if I could travel the world at night in my dreams? What if I could live in another country, be a race car driver, be an air force pilot, or simply fly around the world on my own, just me, no airplane.

Those are some of the best dreams. When I can just jump up and soar into the air and then land on the edge of a building and look down. When I’m on the edge of a building now and I look down I get an uneasy feeling and I also wonder inside what it would be like to jump, so I stay away from the edge. In my dreams however, I’m right there enjoying it. If you believe in reincarnation, maybe that means I was an eagle or a hawk in a previous life? Probably not a parakeet since I’m sitting on the edge of a skyscraper.

So what about it? I’ve actually had dreams that have picked up where they left off the last time I was sleeping, but it’s been intermittent and unpredictable. I’ve tried to make it happen, but I’ve never been able to do it. It’s frustrating because it seems like I should be able to make this happen. For some reason, my mind goes where it wants to go.

What’s also odd is that if I see an alligator during the day, whether in real life or on television, I will dream about alligators at night. They are always mean and out to get me or who ever is with me at the time. I’ve had alligators come through the screen patio and break through the sliding glass door to come after me. I’ve ran from them in the woods, I’ve climbed up really tall hills with a bunch of people trying to get away from a really big one and I actually had an alligator eat my brother once. I don’t know why this is. I’ve never had a run in with an alligator that would have caused all this, but when I have a bad dream, it usually involves them.

A common dream I have is that I can fly. I have no idea what drives that one. I’d be happy if I could go to bed at night and look forward to flying, but unlike the alligators, I haven’t figured out how to make that happen. Like I said, I’d go to bed at a decent time if I could.

What I do know is that there’s probably a book and a Hollywood movie in all this. The character goes to bed at night and lives a completely separate life from his daytime life. It would be interesting to cause the two worlds to collide somehow. I probably should be writing this book instead of telling you about the idea shouldn’t I?

Hmmm….

Enjoying the sunset in St Pete...

I’ve always found the gulf coast to be beautiful and my favorite part of Florida. St Petersburg is located just southwest of Tampa and this area has a number of very nice beach areas along the coast leading up into Clearwater.

With my wife being out of town this weekend, I decided to get out and do something so I scheduled a visit to the Sirata Resort in St Pete. We’ve stayed there before and really liked it. It’s more reasonably priced than some of the larger chain hotels along the beach, yet it’s clean, has some nice amenities and the beach area is great.  All I have to do is walk out of my room and the beach is right there.

It was a relaxing, beautiful drive over there. I had the top down and ended up getting a little sunburned, but the drive was great. I checked into the Sirata around 2pm. My room wasn’t ready right away, but that was no big deal.  I parked the car and walked over to Harry’s beach bar which is located on property. In addition to a very nice breeze, there was a guy playing guitar and singing songs.

While I was sitting there I was thinking how funny and unpredictable life can be. About 2 years ago I was here at the Sirata and I remember at the time, seeing a silver BMW convertible in the parking lot near Harry’s beach bar and I remember pointing it out to my wife and joking with her “that’s what I want that for my birthday“. Two years later, I turn 50 and I’m driving a silver BMW convertible. I’ve always believed in the phrase; “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. 

Back to the present… The bartender’s name was Paris. She was cute. I think she said she was around 40, but even so, she was better looking than the Hilton version, and much nicer. I had a couple of Coors Lights and then a Miami Vice, which is a strawberry daquiri mixed with a pina colada.

They call them Lava Flows here at Harry’s. Paris said she makes the best ones, but I sort of got in trouble by saying the best one I ever had was at the Holland House in St Maarten. There’s a little bar on Paradise Island in Nassau that makes a pretty good one also, but hell if I can remember the name of the place.

While I was sitting there listening to the music, a gal walked up and sat down next to me. She later introduced herself and said her name was Stephanie. She was a good looking woman about my age who lived locally and was planning to meet a friend for a drink. We chatted a bit while Old Man by Neil Young played in the background. The musician was pretty good.

Even though I was content sitting there, relaxing and taking in the environment, after a while I got hungry. Just down the road a bit is a place called Sea Hags. I’ve been there a couple of times before and enjoyed it, so I decided to drive over there and wander in and see what was going on.

There was a guy playing guitar and singing in the bar area and I sat down on a bar stool that looked toward the marina. Looking out the window, I kept thinking about the fact that it was such a nice day and all these nice boats were sitting there with nobody on them. What a shame. What were all those boat owners doing today? I’m thinking to myself, ‘get your friends together and get out there and enjoy life‘.

I ordered a beer and a NY strip steak for dinner. I had tried the double pork chop dinner before and it was awesome, but today I really wanted a steak for some reason.

I ended up talking to an older gal who asked me how I liked the steak. She told me she has ovarian cancer and her doctor told her she should eat more red meat. She said she eats mostly fish and really doesn’t have a strong appetite for red meat. We debated a sirloin from Outback vs. my steak and I said I‘d probably go for the sirloin. A nice sirloin is better than a strip steak in my opinion. That being said, I really like Sea Hags. It’s a nice local place and I would recommend it to anyone.

Afterwards I wandered back toward the Sirata and stopped at the store to grab a few snacks for the room before getting back. When I got back, I parked and walked over to Harry’s again. Unfortunately Paris and her coworker were gone by now and a couple of guys were bartending. It was more crowded and I just wasn’t as enamored with it as I had been earlier, so I went for a short walk.

Before I knew it, the sun was setting. I managed to grab a couple of photos before stopping back at Harry’s for one last beer. Then it was back to my room to relax and watch the basketball game. I truly dislike basketball, but I was interested to see if Dallas could beat Miami. It didn’t hurt my feelings when Dallas won the championship that night.

I enjoyed my time in St Pete. I’ve always said I wanted to live on or near the coast one day. Who knows… like the car story earlier, maybe I’ll have another story to tell one day? It’s like I said, you never know where life is going to lead you. I think you have to keep an adventurous spirit and recognize and be open to the changes and opportunities that come your way. I honestly believe the only thing that stops people from doing things is themselves.

Unfortunately, as with any trip, it always seems to be over too soon and before you know it, the experience and the people have passed through your life and all you have left are memories. Thankfully I can still remember some things and amongst it, a sunset on the beach St Pete isn’t a bad thing to remember…

The men’s room wall…

“Please keep your eyes forward and conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.”

It’s funny how guys are when they’re in the men’s room. Some are overly comfortable chatting to strangers while standing at the urinal and others are completely homophobic. Some don’t use the urinals; they go into the stalls and stand there and wizz in the toilet. I’m not sure why they need to do that? Maybe they’re embarrassed about something? Then again, maybe some have a good reason for it such as a health reason? Unfortunately I’ve noticed that some the guys who do this are extremely inconsiderate because they don’t even lift the toilet seat when they go, so the person who goes in there after them and needs to sit down gets to deal with their mess. Sad huh?

I read once in the New York Times where only 75% of men wash their hands. Another article stated that only 1 in 3 do. Just from my own observations, I think it’s probably around 50%. He might think it’s ok to touch himself then go back to the dinner table, but I bet everyone else in the restaurant would be grossed out knowing he didn’t wash after. Did he touch the door handle going in or out and pick up some germs that way? Did he have germs on his hand from opening the door to the restaurant when the two of you walked in?

I just think it’s a good habit to wash your hands often through out the day. You don’t know what germs you’re picking up. It’s not like you can see them. I think the ladies should check their man’s hands when he gets back from the men’s room. You should be able to tell if he did or not. If nothing else, you will make sure he knows that it’s important to you.

“No matter how beautiful she is, some other guy is tired of putting up with her shit”.

The older a woman becomes, the wiser she becomes. She realizes that there are more important things to bring to the table than just looks; there’s dependability, trust, being a good life partner, to a small degree the ability to cook and to a much larger degree, a steady income.

It’s probably true that most guys think looks are important and most all guys will turn their head when a girl catches their eye, and for that split second they will think to themselves “hmmm“... but, that being said, for most guys, that’s also probably where it ends. If this is going to be a long lasting relationship, they want the attributes I noted in the paragraph above.

The other thing that came to mind was that beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. Every woman is different and every woman is beautiful in some way. It’s a good thing we’re all different and we all see things differently….I saw this phrase decoratively painted on a men’s room wall recently and chuckled to myself thinking; “how true…”. Afterwards I thought it’s probably not fair to lump everyone together and say every beautiful woman is a pain in the ass. I’m betting much of it depends much on age, background and upbringing. Experience tells me that more younger women fit this mold than older ones.

“I know right from wrong, wrong is the fun one...”

I'm taking the fifth…

Sailing in St Croix...

We had no idea what to expect when we booked our first ever visit to St Croix. We were stopping there as part of a cruise in March 2011 and it would be our first time. A good friend of mine named Tom who was part of the two couples who were traveling with us on this trip suggested we visit Buck Island while we were there.

Tom is a beach enthusiast. He lives in the upper Midwest so he doesn’t have many beaches nearby, but when he and his wife vacation, it nearly always involves some warm spectacular beach location. Being like minded, I went along with his suggestion and after being there, I’m glad I did.

St Croix is part of the US Virgin Islands which also include St Thomas and St John as well as some other smaller islands. Buck Island is just off the coast of St Croix and was designated a US National Monument by President John F Kennedy in 1961. The island not only hosts an underwater snorkeling trail which is part of the protected area, but there is also Turtle Beach, which was has been named one of the most beautiful beaches in the world by National Geographic.

We went online early on and looked for tour operators that could take us over to Buck Island. There are a few of them, but we settled on Buck Island Charters, which is operated by a father/son team. They run two vessels, one for larger groups and one for private groups up to 6 people. We chartered the smaller private trimaran Dragonfly.

After our ship docked in Christiansted, we found our way to the cab that we had set up ahead of time with the tour operator and made our way over to the part of the island where Dragonfly was docked. On the way there, we asked the driver to stop at a convenience store so we could pick up some drinks and snacks to take along.

When we arrived, we walked up and met Captain Carl, operator of the Dragonfly vessel. He gave us some brief instructions and then we were off sailing out of the small harbor area. We could see Buck Island in the distance, just over a mile or so away.

The sail out to Buck Island was fun. The Dragonfly uses wind power alone so it takes a bit longer to get there, but it’s more environmentally friendly and it’s much quieter. We hopped along the waves, shimmying back and forth left and right across the sea in order to catch the wind correctly.

It seemed like no time at all and we were crossing through a reef area into the shallower, calmer and lighter blue waters just along side the island. Captain Carl navigated over to a mooring area and stopped.

We all got our snorkeling gear together and were soon jumping off the hull into the water. We were using small inflatable life vests to help with our buoyancy.

Captain Carl went on ahead of us and as we snorkeled along the trail, he would dive down and show us the placards that have been permanently placed by the park service to describe what we were seeing. We followed him through the coral formations into little caverns and along side a number of species of fish. I didn’t see anything dangerous, just a lot of small and reasonably sized colorful fish.

After we finished the trail, my wife and I swam back to the boat. Captain Carl took Tom and Nick out beyond the reef where the water drops off into a much deeper area. They said it was neat, but the water was much rougher out there.

Soon we were all back on the Dragonfly and setting sail again. The snorkeling was fun, but tiring and after sailing past the beach earlier, I was eager to explore it. We sailed back through the calm, clear waters near the shoreline and made our way around the point to a nice calm area right up against Turtle Beach.

As soon as the anchor was dropped, people were jumping in and making the very short swim over to the beach. When I finally got over there, I thought to myself it was amazing. We arrived there before any others and had the entire island to ourselves at the time. No footprints on the sand, no noise, no crowds, no trash, just pure white sand, clear calm water and a nice walk on the beach.

We walked down the beach around another point until the beach became too rocky to continue. There were large pieces of driftwood, large conch shells and an amazing view no matter where you looked.

Eventually we made it back over toward the area where the Dragonfly was anchored and went for a little swim then sat on the beach for awhile. I won’t go on and on, but I just can’t say enough about this place. We took a number of photos of the water, the beach, the Dragonfly and each other so we would always remember this place.

Since we only chartered a half day sail, it wasn’t long before it was time to start the sail back to St Croix. Along the way we enjoyed the calm, quiet voyage and spotted a number of large turtles poking their heads out of the water. It was way too soon when we were getting back in the cab and leaving Captain Carl and the Dragonfly behind.

I’m fortunate enough to live in an area where I can explore many, many beaches within a short drive, but I have to say that this has to be one of my favorites, if not my favorite beach so far. While I have to admit, it's nice to have a drink while you're relaxing on the beach, I didn't miss it here.  In this place there are no bars, no restaurants and no crowds; just the crystal clear water, the white untouched sand and the quiet of a deserted island…

Turning 50...

Earlier this year I turned 50. It’s a strange feeling to think of yourself as old. I don’t normally “feel” old. I actually don’t normally feel any different than I did when I was in my 20’s. The problem is, you can only live like you’re still in your 20’s for so long before you get to a point where you have to take a step back. Either your body tells you to take it easy, or your common sense kicks in.

I’m at a point now where my thoughts and my feelings are changing. I’m thinking maybe there’s something to growing old gracefully? Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be? Maybe we’re supposed to step aside and let the younger generations take over at some point. It’s difficult to do however...

Nobody wants to succumb to age, but we all eventually do whether we like it or not. When I was in my 20’s, I remember thinking that people in their 30’s and 40’s were old. Now here I am… Fifty. The time went so quick, I find myself now wishing for another 50 years.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back to those days in my 20’s and have the body and health that I had back then. On the other hand, I’d hate to give up all the wisdom I’ve gained over the years and go back to the arrogant and inexperienced nature of that age. What’s equally worse is the sense of entitlement that the younger generation has developed since I was young.

I think that’s just something that our ever more passive and litigious society has allowed to develop. When I was younger, I had a healthy respect for those in authority. Society promoted a bit more self responsibility and a bit more self reliance. If you tripped and fell, people said watch where you’re walking. Now they look for who to blame and whether they can gain anything out of assigning that blame.

Also, if you didn’t stay in line, there were consequences. As kids or teenagers, we weren’t a protected class. We weren’t protected by anyone but our parents.

Yes, I’m sure there were some abuses by some parents, but society as an entirety was better off. Over time, in order to protect a few, the majority of society has taken a downturn and has become more irresponsible and less respectful.

I value all that I’ve learned over the years. I value where I am in life. Sure, things could be a lot better in terms of money and health, but then again, they could be a lot worse. I’ve known individuals much younger than I that never made it to 50. I’ve also been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit and personally met and witnessed people who would likely trade places with me in a heartbeat.

Who knows where we go when we’re done here on earth. There are so many religions all over the earth, is any one of them right? Does any one of them know the true answer? I know what I’d like to believe, but the realist in me holds me back. In any event, I think it’s important to value the time you’re given. Make the most of it. I’m thinking don’t accumulate; instead experience.

If there is a gate and if they ask you anything at that gate before passing judgment, it isn’t going to be “How rich were you?“, or “What was your status on earth?”

My guess is it will be more like “How did you spend the time you were given?” “You were given an entire world to explore, did you seek out and experience the world that was created for you?” “You were given the opportunity to meet many people through out your life, did you value those around you, whether you knew them or not, and whether they were different from you or the same?”

I think the bottom line is, were you appreciative and did you value it all, or did you take it for granted. I can tell you, the older I get, the more I value everything.

Overall, life has been good. I’m happy to be here, I’m happy to be able to share with you and I hope to be here another 50...